Indigo nights

It’s been 24 days since I ventured from my home
5 of those days  were spent in Georgia  meeting my teammates and preparing for the next several weeks
1 day of just traveling from GA to Amsterdam to Delhi
1 day lost in the midst of time zone changes
17 days in country

At training camp they spoke about giving up our rights and expectations. For the most part I was fine giving up my rights, rights  to comfort, to foods i like, to cleanliness, to communication, to personal attention. But one of things said about expectations was you don’t know you had them until they weren’t met.

I was never sure of what my expectations were. In fact I questioned my very presence here in the first place. Despite getting the funds to come and everything falling into place, to me my desire to be here was based off a whim.
Fueled by good food, documentaries, and rich culture, to me the country was the goal. It was India. So my expectations all revolved around just getting there not necessarily what I’d be doing.  All I knew was everyone was telling me my time here in India would be life changing.

Now I definitely am loving on these kids, the lepers and their families and I know I’m doing God’s will here. But I felt …less than satisfied. What drew me to India was human trafficking and the sex trade, and I knew I wasn’t doing anything here related to that, but I still didn’t feel like I was  fulfilling my purpose here.  Problem was I didn’t know exactly what that purpose was, just somehow that it was supposed to change me life.

So here I was in India, a week in, not experiencing culture shock, everything just fitting. Its just like any other country that has that third world atmosphere. It wasn’t exotic to me [except for the peacocks but then their screeches all night long pretty much killed that for me], it wasn’t exciting. My heart didn’t break being with the kids or the at the colonies. I was simply living life.   I was trying to be patient, but I was telling God, ” I don’t know how this is going to be life changing. What else ya got?”

A couple days went by, more ministry days, more hanging with the team, and I was hanging out on the roof. I finally had one of those surreal moments.  I took in my surroundings, took in God’s presence, and just started to write in my journal.

“The night is a dusty indigo
The lights of the city mix with the dirt of the earth and the smog in the air. It all fades into a muted indigo void of vibrancy, yet finally sinks into a a murky dark almost rich black. A smattering of pinpoints of dim light be-speckle the sky.
They still twinkle in spastic motions. The pathetic fallacy of my mind is complete. I long for clarity, yet I’m finding contentment.  There’s beauty in the night eclipsed by the sun. Somethings can only be exposed d by the darkness. Beauty unveiled.

I will wait.”

I poured out my heart to God of all the things I wanted to know,  all of the things I wanted revealed;  himself, my future, my purpose in India,  how to love like he loves.

I waited. He blessed me with contentment in reveling in the beauty of creation, and then reveling in the beauty of his command and view of pure religion as stated in James 1:27.  Even if I wasn’t sure of myself at the moment, I knew I was exactly where he wanted me to be and that was enough.

I hung out a bit longer, not wanting to leave the gift God had given me. In the midst of sitting and being he spoke. He told me my purpose, answered some of my questions and corrected some of my thinking in one swift deposit in my spirit.  

He affirmed that my time here would be life changing, though not because I was India, but rather because of him.  He would be the source of the changes, not what I experience, or see, or even do. He’s placed me here, with my teammates, leaders, and just this community because of the questions it would cause me to ask him.  I’ll change because of the answers he’ll give me.

Then linked with that was the question of purpose. He affirmed what I had heard at training camp, but of which I wasn’t sure. My purpose was simply to seek him, delight in him, and in his word.  It was because I sought him that I was here in the first place. Through seeking him, I’ll be changed. Through seeking him, he’ll pour out during ministry. Through seeking him, I’ll delight in his commands. Through seeking him, he’ll prepare me to be a witness here in India,  back in the states, or anywhere else he leads me.

Given that deposit, I have a new found freedom and joy in what I do daily.  Not only am I satisfied in obeying his commands, I rejoice.